independence

A fun fact about me: today was my due date, some 30+ years ago. Instead, I chose to bide my time, appearing ten days later on the 12th. I was supposed to be a Groundhog Day arrival and ended up a Lincoln baby.

My son came in my room the other morning, as he usually does when he wakes up. I had been up quite a bit during the night with the baby, so I was still very tired, and when he said in his little cheery voice, 'Good morning, Mom!', I just wanted him to go away. Half-asleep, with my eyes still closed, I told him to climb up in bed with me and cuddle a little bit, hoping to score a few more minutes lounging in bed. He did, and as he nestled into my chest, I ran my arm around his backside to pull him in closer and got a little surprise. Rather than the flannel jammie bottoms I expected to feel, my hand instead cradled a little bare bum. I opened my eyes and asked him, 'What happened to your pants?' He smiled at me and said, 'I peed in them so I took them off!' He paused a moment, perhaps for dramatic effect, then added, 'All by myself.'

All by myself. AS parents, part of our job is to move our kids to that phrase in every aspect of their lives. It starts almost from birth. Don't rock your baby to sleep, or he'll never learn to fall asleep on his own! Be sure your baby gets plenty of tummy time, so he can learn to hold his head up by himself. We're given these helpless creatures who are completely dependant on us and expected to turn out independent young adults in the 18 or so years that we have them.

Working towards this independence is quite a job, especially in the early years. My three year old can now go to the potty himself, relieving me of the diaper duty that kept him dependent on me. He can undress himself for the most part, and we're working now on getting dressed. He can put him own undies on, and most of the time his pants too. He can feed himself, but he's been doing that for a long time now. Not too long ago, he surprised us at how little he needed us to help with the TiVo, as he nonchalantly paused his show to run and get some milk.

It's so cute to see this little person develop. I can't believe this is the same newborn that we brought home a little more than three years ago. All of a sudden, it seems, he's doing his own thing. He tells me, 'Just a moment, Mom, I have to go check something.' Or he'll say, 'I've got a good idea! Maybe we could go eat some pizza!' Just this morning he told me, 'When the clock gets on seven, then it will be time for you to play with me.'

But each step towards independence is ultimately a step away from me. Soon he won't need me to help him put his shoes on. He won't want me picking him up from school, or hanging out on a Friday night. I am pouring my life and soul into these years with him, only to know that he will be leaving me in the end.

And that's the kicker. Every parent knows that the day is coming; it's lurking somewhere in the murky future when your child's life is no longer dependent on you. It's sweet and sour – the ache you feel at being not necessary is tempered by the wonder that is this new, independent person that you helped shape. I feel it now, even as my son is still a toddler. I miss shoveling cereal in his little mouth, but look how great he is at using that spoon himself.

So as you grow, dear son, I'll keep pushing you to do it yourself. Because one day, sooner than I'll be ready for, it will be all you. And I'll be content to sit back and admire my handiwork.

February 2, 2007